Advisory consultation/Li Shan, a consultant psychologist at the Taipei Municipal United Hospital's full-view community prevention mental health center, after marriage, the dreaming life of a young couple began to go on. Although he had long expected this kind of pattern and was mentally prepared to accept that there might be friction due to different habits, value view, and attitudes, in fact, in the face of these big and small things in life, it makes people clearly feel that their sense of happiness has decreased. What is going on?

Li Shan, a consultant psychologist at the Center for Prevention of Mental Health of Taipei City, pointed out that when couples get married and change their relationship pattern, there may still be many passions and passions, but life habits, marriage mutual adaptation, finance, sexual relations or new life events are actually examining each other's emotional connections, especially when the two cannot reach a common understanding and solve problems, the emotional struggle will become more obvious.

The source of pressure of marriage

Li Shan consulted the business psychologist, said that the marriage relationship is not just about the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, child care, and work. If it is not properly handled, it will easily affect other areas of life. She believes that there are still many traditional concepts. In addition, in order to meet the general value view of society after marriage, many couples choose to live with their parents-in-law after marriage, including many reasons such as asking parents-in-law to help bring children, not planning to buy a house, saving rent, convenient transportation, and taking care of their parents-in-law nearby. However, marriages should be "suitable" to each other and mutual. It is not just a wife who moves in, but the husband and other family members need to think with empathy. There is an additional member in the living space. How to adjust it to allow everyone to live peacefully. If the appropriate pressure only falls on the wife, it should be a home in the wind harbor, and it will only become another huge burden.

"Marriage" should often be a major problem in marriage

Community websites have almost become one of the main interactive platforms for modern people. Users with common identities often gather in the same channel to interact. Regarding the topics between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law or sister-in-law, there are several representative communities. From the situation where the article is updated quickly, it can be understood that there are many "disorders" between women after marriage and marriage. Li Shan advises business psychologists point out that marriage relationships are often a major problem in marriage. Questions, especially mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, traditional society gives mother-in-law personality like the bad queen in Snow White, and daughter-in-law is like Snow White. However, not every woman who becomes a mother-in-law will become a bad queen. She suggested that daughter-in-law should have a preconceived concept for people, try to understand the status of the elder, and then ask yourself "What can I accept?" If you are not good at long-in-law and senior, please help me, because the relationship between daughter-in-law and in-laws must be a key.

Let the attack attitude and escape attitude

Marriage is not only a promise of each other, but also a kind of "inclusiveness and acceptance". When there are two parties or marital relationships, there may be situations that have never been thought about. In the face of events, we should learn to "accept the problem first", because If you don't accept it, you can't solve it. Then you can adjust your attitude and move and atmosphere with kindness to help smooth communication. Perhaps there is no way to communicate suitable for every couple and every family, but if both parties are good as the development point, you can manage this difficult part.

{twenty four}

Marriage is not a pink bubble

When you are preparing for a wedding, do you often hear others telling me that "there will be a lot of quarrels, be careful not to argue so much that you don't want to get married!" Perhaps, only by realizing your experience will you get the ups and downs in this way, but because the two have a common goal, you can overcome any difficulties you encounter.

Li Shan consultant psychologist believes that "common goal" and "common understanding" are very important issues for husband and wife relations, such as: What is the future blue picture? What is the post-marriage life I want? Do you want to have a baby? What are the current situations that must be overcome, otherwise, if the goals after marriage are unclear, and if the marriage is suitable, life is running in, and other people's disagreements, it will be more difficult to achieve common understanding. Therefore, prepare for psychological pre-marriage, and imagine what problems may be encountered in the future, discussing with each other, and understanding the other's ideas can help both parties to reach common understanding earlier and reduce the wear of each other's emotions when facing problems.

Being the worst plan and the best preparations

Li Shan's psychologist pointed out that "the people who lie in the same bed after marriage are not the only ones, because we all carry the habits and expectations of our original family." In other words, entering a marriage is not just a problem for two people, but moving two families. Therefore, before entering a marriage, we have to ask ourselves. Is this what we want? Many "events" that are seen are just the tip of the iceberg. We need to learn the core issues under the water, "making the worst plans" and "making the best preparations."

Different understanding. Knowing a family

Everyone often says that "love is easy to be difficult to be together." Everyone may have different expectations for marriage life. Example: The eldest son takes care of his parents and younger brothers and sisters and he hopes that his wife can also be kind to his family members he values, but maybe his wife has been a very favored and cared for since childhood, or because he loves his family too much and cannot divide this love to others in a short period of time, and other factors, which are inconsistent with the husband's opinion. At this time, the couple may have complaints because they cannot understand each other, pointing out that "this is not the marriage life I want to live.".

Li Shan consulted the business psychologist believes that the so-called "understanding" means that because the other party comes from a different family, his value view or life habits may be different from himself. In other words, husband and wife not only need to understand the two parties, but also need to understand the two parties' families in order to understand whether the marriage life they are looking for is what they want. If not, how should they be adapted?

Is it intentional to discuss the problem of not finding results?

"To start different topics and discussions, there is no need to have a result. The most important thing is to understand the other party's thoughts." Li Shan advised that sometimes two people have been together for a long time and are more likely to ignore each other's feelings and thoughts. The life of a husband and wife is not only 3 or 5 years. We should avoid waiting until the problem occurs before thinking about how to deal with it. We must first have a certain understanding and psychological preparation, which is very helpful for peaceful resolution of problems.

Be prepared to dance "double dance"

In the Eastern countries, most women tend to be more inclined to be free from marriage relationships, but "marriage relationship is like dancing double dance, you must first stand firm in your steps." Li Shan, a business psychologist, believes that marriage relationships are like If both parties do not stand in their own position, interfere too much, distrust the other party, or plan too much of the personal world line, it is easy to cause "improper pulling, stepping on the other party when dancing, or even being knocked down" to harm each other. How can you maintain your own world line and cooperate with each other without any cooperation? She reminded that knowing yourself is definitely the first key, and first understand the reasons behind the emotions so that the other party can understand.

Take a trick. In the relationship between husband and wife, it is human nature to be passionate and passionate, but ordinary life is more likely to show a little thoughtful and ingenious attitude. For example, you know what the other party likes to eat, occasionally take a meal home after work, or like the expressions that his partner shows when singing. You might as well use the leisure time of the two people to arrange a karaoke itinerary, "Restoring the point that attracted you to the other party at the beginning" can simply allow both parties to inspire the passion that they once had in various chaotic lives.

People will experience many role changes in their lives. No one is born to play the role of a gentleman or a wife. How to prepare yourself well will never be overnight. Personal progress and change are very helpful in improving the interactive quality of both parties. When we face problems together, if we look at "the other party is an important partner in life", when there is a quarrel or a cold war, we will not just think about stylus, and use our backs covered with spikes to attack each other and harm each other's emotions.

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