Escape from experiences

Generally speaking, the way people manage their own feelings is to ignore them. Whenever we ask ourselves, "How do I feel?" As adults, we often don't understand why this question is so difficult to answer, but we don't understand that we may feel hesitant before asking ourselves this way, or avoid asking this question. It is not surprising that people always escape from uncomfortable feelings.

Psychologist Shi Difen. Stephen Hayes is the founder of "acceptance and commitment", defining this direction of escaping uncomfortable feelings as experiencing avoidance, meaning avoiding "immediate perceptions arising from negative and private events", such as thoughts, feelings, reminiscence or physical perceptions that people do not want to produce.

Harmful anger is just one of these ways of avoiding expressions, helping us to be distracted and avoid feeling the negative emotions that may cause anger. To some extent, harmful anger will be affected by suppressed emotions.

Pressure and depression will make it impossible for us to perceive our feelings. By suppressing emotions, we will ignore, forget, or reduce our feelings and remove them. The more uncomfortable we are with our feelings, the more likely we are to escape these feelings inadvertently, and this process is pressure. Mindfulness, self-compassion and the practice of this chapter all help to resurface these feelings.

Sometimes, choosing a pressure suppression may be wise, because pressure prevents you from swaying before you sense your anger. Only in the case of depression can you increase your attention and perceive your feelings and expectations when facing conflicts. Doing this will make you more aware of your most important needs and desires, but remember: if you just put your feelings aside and don't face them, the pressure will become destructive. As time goes by, the pressure will make you feel less satisfied and your anger will become more intense.

Realize your anger and avoid your anger

You may often experience strong and lasting anger, but it does not suppress or restrain your anger. To suppress or restrain one's anger is a great test. If you take this attitude towards anger, you must rely on self-compassion to slowly learn to observe your anger. You must be compassionate and not treat yourself seriously. You must remind yourself: Anger is natural and a normal human emotion. You should especially remember that "angry" is completely different from "strong expression of anger".

Criticism of oneself with mindfulness

If there is a choice, most people do not want to feel negative emotions, and after all, negative emotions will make us feel strongly uncomfortable. However, the reason why we feel uncomfortable is not only because of the negative feelings, but also because we are critical of ourselves. I have many customers who feel frustrated or angry because of their depression, and are angry because of their anxiety, and are anxious because of their anxiety, and even become more angry because of their anger. They compare their "real feelings" with their own "feelings" and criticize themselves for this. Some people think they are weak because of negative feelings, while others think they should not have negative feelings. There are also some people who feel sad because they have negative feelings because they think others will not have such feelings.

If you want to face your emotions with mindfulness, some of them must rely on how and when you evaluate them. You must identify the emotions you least want to feel, the emotions you are most ashamed, embarrassed or anxious. Please check out the emotional list of Chapter 8 to point out what feelings make you most uncomfortable. You may be the most critical of these feelings, but if you face them with mindfulness, it will help you identify these feelings that make you angry, whether it is angry with others or yourself.

Contains an anger or a contradiction

Healthy sentimental perception involves identifying a mixed sentiment and accepting it. Mixed emotions refer to the occurrence of two or more emotions at the same time or in turn. Although we have not seen it, it is reasonable to hope that the emotions hidden in our potential perceptions are expressed by us, because these feelings are rooted in our basic needs and need to be recognized by us. When we ignore or disdain these feelings, we may behave that confuses ourselves or others.

As at the request of his wife, Elix came to me to help him solve his anger. Alix's wife felt that his child was inappropriate in discipline: although Alix would not hit the child, he often scolded the child for being timid and spoke out intimidating.

When I asked Alix how his parents disciplined him when he was a child, he began to answer, "Oh, how did my parents discipline me? They love me very much. Well, of course, my father would occasionally yell at us, sometimes he would hit us with a boat, but he only spanked his top, and because we were not well-behaved. It was no big deal." Alix described some of his own punishment and kept smiling on his face. After he said this, he repeatedly reiterated that he loved his parents very much.

Elix finally truly understands his feelings. He gradually realized that he was actually angry and sad when he was punished when he was a child. But because he loves his parents very much, he feels guilty about his anger. So, as soon as he felt angry, he immediately recalled how much his parents loved him. The reason why he was unable to face this mixed emotions came from several factors.

People usually think it is easier to think in a black or white way. We will discuss global thinking in the next chapter, which will lead us to ignore details of our emotional perception. Alix is ​​not a few special cases. The confusing or contradictory emotions arising from loving relationships are a major challenge for many people. Accepting these feelings is another way to accept one's own human nature.

View "distraction" with mindfulness

Many people use various methods to divert their attention in order to deal with or escape their feelings. Some people smear themselves with alcohol. Alcohol is often seen in our social life. A glass of wine can add a delicious food to the best. Even if the portion is only a little bit, it can become a "white noise" that relieves anxiety and other negative emotions.

Smoking can also help people avoid uncomfortable feelings. Some people also choose to bury their work, send their emotions, or eat delicious food to ignore specific emotions.

Although the Internet brings a lot of convenience to people, it has also become the main medium for people to divert their attention. Whether playing online games, reading blogs, or just browsing them casually, you can avoid facing emotional difficulties in daily life.

"Procrastination" is another effective way to escape negative emotions and ideas. If you want to overcome the habit of procrastination, you should use mindfulness to identify our feelings and accept them completely.

If you want to identify what feelings may distract you, please pause when you feel the urge and use the following methods to test: You can measure your emotional struggles, observe your body with mindfulness, find out what feelings make you uncomfortable, and whether you try to escape these feelings.